Shmuley Ben Shekelheim
New York Times
February 2, 2020
On Friday, I attended a meeting of African youths in Uganda at an event organized by Greta Thunberg’s “Fridays for Future” organization. What I found was a group of brave and courageous young Africans who feel, much like Greta feels, that their future has been stolen from them by white people who eat meat and drive cars.
“We ain’t know why the mothafocka be so hot out this bitch, what for we ain’t seen it,” climate activist Ibingu Ujabu told me, wiping sweat from her brow. “But for then we done heard, this skinny little white bitch came up, she tell us that the mothfocka so hot cuz yall white mothafocas be heating this bitch out.”
She stared at me, right in the eyes, with her dark, piercing black eyes. I tried my best to meet her gaze, but I cracked, looking down at my notes and mumbling “well, I’m actually not myself white, I’m Jewish.”
“You a Jew?” Ibingu said, laughing and pointing her finger in my face. “Get this mothafocka here, he a Jew!”
Responding to her shouts, a young black man ran up to me, got in my face and said “lemme see dat dick mothafocka!”
When I protested, the young man pulled out a knife and held it to my throat. I looked over to the security guards at the door of the school the climate meeting was being held in, and they smiled at me. One of them explained “he want see your dick, you show him.”
Shyly, I pulled down my trousers, and exposed myself to the teenagers, who had circled around. They laughed loudly, and slapped one another’s backs. My penis, you see, looks like a vagina, and I do not have testicles. This is a familiar condition for Jews, but it is quite a novelty for Africans, who remain uneducated about Jewish genitals to this day due to global economic inequality, racism and global warming.
“That’s a messed up dick you got there, bitch,” Ibingu said to me. “That dick looks like a pussy, just like they said. I ain’t think you was for real a Jew, but now I seen it, I knows it.”
The crowd began to dissipate, and I stood there with my pants down. Ibingu eventually told me to pull them back up.
“Come on, you Jew mothafocka, I’m gonna let you peep some other bitches who be trying to stop global warming.”
Ibingu took me around the conference, where the Africans had established an internet uplink to Greta Thunberg.
Ibingu had spoken directly with Greta earlier in the day, and was very proud of that fact. The uplink was in another room, so I had not witnessed her conversation with Greta.
I asked her about it.
“I told that skinny little bitch she’d best tell them white mothafockas to stop driving them cars, because niggas down here in Uganda is hot as a mothafocka and we ain’t got no money in this piece,” she told me of her conversation with the famous Swedish climate celebrity.
“Is you see that movie Wakanda?” Ibingu asked me, referring to Marvel’s Black Panther film, which many Africans believe was a documentary.
I told her I had.
“Well I tried to get to Wakanda and them niggas done denied me entry,” she said. “But that bitch Gerta done told me that all Africa be like Wakanda if them white mothafockas ain’t heat this bitch out.”
I nodded in agreement. There is a consensus at the UN that the number one thing keeping Africa in poverty is that the continent has become too hot due to white people causing the weather to change.
Ibingu introduced me to her friend, another black teenage female named Sisli Onugu. Of the 75 people gathered at the event, all but the one who pulled a knife on me were female.
Ibingu told me that Sisli had tried to make money, but couldn’t because it was too hot.
“Das rite, mothafocka,” Sisli told me. “I be out there ereyday to get dat money, but yall white faggots made this bitch so hot that a bitch can’t get no money.”
I asked her what line of business she was in.
“Mothafocka what you think this bitch do?” Ibingu said. “She sellin dat ass! Bitch, show this bitch dat ass!”
Sisli then began “twerk” dancing and rubbing her buttocks against my vagina-like penis.
“Slap that ass, mothafocka!” Ibingu yelled at me. “Come on bitch, I gonna has to call dat nigga with da knife again? You slap that ass, you Jew mothafocka!”
Not wanting to have a knife at my throat again, I obliged, and slapped the woman’s buttocks. The entire school yelled and cheered, and several other young women began to do the “twerk” dance. The security guards then turned on some music, and the entire conference was “twerking.”
I sat in the chair with my hands folded across my lap, but could not avoid being the target of the dances.
After several minutes, a woman came out of the room which had the uplink with Greta Thunberg, and she yelled, “you bitches need to quiet your black asses down, we got this skinny white bitch on the line, she tryin to help us niggas cool this mothafocka down, and she ain’t even hear herself speak with you bitches gettin grimy in this mothafocka!”
The room quieted down for a few moments before a large woman went over to the woman who had been yelling and said “bitch, what you said to me? You think you better than me, bitch?”
A fight broke out between the two, and the crowd then moved to cheer the fight, before several other fights broke out between conference attendees.
Ibingu stayed with me, saying “bitches always gonna fight, because it be too hot up in this bitch.”
After the brawl ended a couple of hours later, I was able to get several of the girls into a conference room to tell me about how white-induced weather changes have ruined their lives and made them poor.
All of them told similar stories: it was so hot out that they could not pick up men for sex on the street during the daytime.
“If it hot out, a nigga ain’t think he wanna get nasty, that nigga be thinkin he wanna drink water,” a young climate activist named Jubu Huju told me.
All the other girls nodded and said “das rite.”
“It so hot in this muthafocka, a bitch likely to fall down when she tryin to find a nigga wants dat ass,” another said. And all agreed that while soliciting sex on the street, they had experienced such immense temperatures that they had had to go back inside.
I asked the girls if they had ever considered a profession other than prostitution, and they appeared to be confused by the question.
“Mothafock, if you think this bitch gonna work dat field, you botta get smacked cross you Jew beak,” Jubu said.
The other girls again voiced agreement, all saying that they would never work in a field.
I told them that there were other types of jobs in the world, that professional work is not limited exclusively to farming and prostitution. I suggested they could take jobs in a bank, if the Ugandan economy were to pick up due to colder weather. They did not know what a bank is. I tried to explain.
“You mean it be like a store? Because a bitch ain’t get no money in a store,” one of the girls said.
“Yeah a store is for the bitch too old to sell she ass,” another agreed. “Ain’t no money at da store.”
I began trying to explain the concept of loans, and the girls became angry, believing that I was offering them loans. A lack of education has unfortunately resulted in Africans believing that Jews engage in predatory loan practices.
“You Jew mothafocka, you think a bitch be stupid?”
Eventually, I accepted that because it is so hot due to global warming, their brains were incapable of working correctly.
And that is the truth that we all must face: until we are able to lower the temperature in Africa by two degrees, the Africans will not be able to think straight, and this will result in them doing nothing but having sex and producing more Africans.
Scientists agree that all of the problems in Africa are due to white people making it too hot there. But white people have not yet accepted this responsibility.
The primary goal of the Greta Thunberg global warming movement should be to convince white people that it is their fault that Africa is poor, and if they do not do something to make it two degrees colder in Africa, they will soon be overrun by billions of Africans.