Swiss Brothels Introduce New Sex Position Regulations to Combat Doom Flu

Clown sex!



Swiss prostitutes determined to return to work after the Covid-19 lockdown have drawn up a reopening plan to maximize social distancing with recommended sex positions, while calling for strict time limits and endless cleaning.

Sex workers’ association ProKoRe released an exhaustive list of hygienic guidelines earlier this month, hoping to secure the Swiss government’s blessing for brothels to reopen when the next round of lockdown measures are rolled back on June 8.

While sex work would seem to be incompatible with social distancing, ProKoRe did its best to find a workaround, advising the use of sexual positions that keep the client and prostitute’s faces as far apart as possible – “a distance of at least one forearm,” the guidelines helpfully recommend – ensuring “droplet transmission is low.” For those with limited imaginations, they include some thoughtful suggestions: “doggy-style” and “cowgirl/rider.”

Customers will have no time to waste on discussing the finer points of positioning themselves, however. Sessions are to be limited to 15 minutes, kept to a strict schedule, with rooms aired out for 15 minutes in between clients, and sheets washed after every visit. Even lingerie is to be washed with disinfectant detergent in between sessions, suggesting employees will be spending a lot of their pay replacing skimpy outfits that have disintegrated after repeated washings.

Lest anyone get any ideas about touching faces – their own, or their partner’s – the guidelines repeatedly rule that out. Not only is kissing off-limits, but “no face-related services are practiced.” The association even recommends “wearing a mouth and nose cover” for “all services,” apparently taking “safe sex guidelines” very, very seriously.

The group also mentions “training and information campaigns” to reduce infection risk, though it’s not clear if they plan to force the johns to sit through these instructional sessions or whether they’re just for the employees. A provision likely to be controversial requires brothels to keep customer contact information for up to four weeks to aid with contact-tracing in case someone does get infected, and contactless payments are also encouraged.

ProKoRe is concerned the continued lockdown restrictions, which have unsurprisingly devastated an industry so dependent on physical contact, are driving prostitution underground, leaving sex workers vulnerable to abuse and exploitation. Brothels, legal in Switzerland, were shuttered alongside most other businesses back in March, and while other industries have come back online, the impossibility of avoiding physical contact in sex work has kept these establishments’ doors shut.

You might think this is funny now if you’re not a whore-monger like I am, but the reality situation is such as that this is just a test run. In the nearest future, they are going to release these kinds of instructions to your wives and girlfriends as to how they’re supposed to engage in sex with you.

The time is now to get the Micrashell and never leave it.

Let the universe die and everything around you collapse as you are safe in your suit.

There is no need to have sex when you are in the suit. You are the ultimate watcher. You watch as people die and are destroyed, as you wander alone among the wreckage, waiting for the universe to be born again in an explosion of broken dreams and shattered clown costumes.

You are the watcher.

Your journey is the mission.