February 5, 2020
If anti-personnel mines are good enough to protect your bedroom, why wouldn’t they be good enough to protect our country?
America needs to protect its southern border from Mexicans and other assorted brown people pouring in at an alarming rate to sell our kids drugs and steal our jobs.
And no, a wall isn’t good enough. A wall can be jumped over.
Yes… Just like that.
A wall can be dug under.
If an anime schoolgirl can dig a hole, so can Mexicans.
A wall can be teleported through – provided your space-time magic is above level 6.
Since it’s theoretically possible to bypass a wall, that makes walls completely worthless.
What America really needs is to take the minepill. We need to replace walls with minefields. That’s the next step in human evolution – replacing tangible, visible barriers with the abstract threat of getting blown to bits.
Mines are both cheaper and more effective than walls. After all, even a single small gap in a wall means people can get through. But who would be willing to risk getting his legs blown off just to go through even a low density minefield? Even if there’s only 1% chance of blowing up, I’d bet 99% of people would think twice.
So the protection per dollar is way higher.
The only thing getting in the way of this superior border protection strategy is the whining of hippies and Europoor commies.
However, that time may come to an end soon – it seems the Trump administration has recently taken the minepill.
US President Donald Trump has lifted restrictions on the deployment of anti-personnel landmines by American forces.
The decision reverses a 2014 Obama administration ban on the use of such weapons, which applied everywhere in the world except for in the defence of South Korea.
The Trump administration said Mr Obama’s policy could put US troops “at a severe disadvantage”.
Thousands of people are injured and killed by landmines every year.
That’s only because they haven’t been using Africa’s latest anti-mine technology: pet rats.
Another example of African ingenuity. It might bring you sadness, but it sure works. A gopher or whatever that is perfectly simulates a human walking pattern.
I don’t know what this method involves, but I like to think that Africans just walk around with pet rats on leashes walking in front of them, hoping the rats will blow up instead of them.
US forces will now be free to use the weapons across the world “in exceptional circumstances”, the White House said.
The US is not a signatory to the 1997 Mine Ban Treaty, which restricts the development or use of anti-personnel land mines.
The Obama-era ban applied to the US military everywhere but on the Korean Peninsula. That exception was made under pressure from military planners, to protect US troops based across the de-militarized zone from the North Korean military.
Mr Obama also ordered the destruction of landmine stockpiles not made to defend South Korea. But the Trump administration has now scrapped that policy, stating that the president was “rebuilding” the US military.
“The Department of Defense has determined that restrictions imposed on American forces by the Obama administration’s policy could place them at a severe disadvantage during a conflict against our adversaries,” a White House statement said, adding: “The president is unwilling to accept this risk to our troops.”
Mr Trump has given the all-clear for the use of “non-persistent” landmines that can be switched off remotely rather than remaining buried beneath the ground.
US Defence Secretary Mark Esper said landmines were vital to its military.
“Landmines are an important tool that our forces need to have available to them in order to ensure mission success and in order to reduce risk to forces,” he told a press conference.
“That said, in everything we do we also want to make sure that these instruments, in this case landmines, also take into account both the safety of employment and the safety to civilians and others after a conflict.”
Okay, so they’re repealing the policy which banned the use of landmines.
In other words, they’ll now start using landmines again.
The important question is: will they be using them in America, against our real enemies – Mexicans? Why should we waste our precious, and presumably expensive, landmines on foreign countries? How does it benefit Americans to lay down minefields in brown countries? We should be laying down these minefields right here in America, where it’ll do the most good.
Of course, the southern border is a great candidate. But the border between California and the rest of the country is also a logical choice.
The point is, landmines are a crucial tool that can be used to improve Americans’ lives – if only they’re used locally.
Now landmines will be more widely available to US commanders, the argument being that their absence leaves them at a disadvantage in relation to likely adversaries – perhaps a reference to the fact that neither Russia or China have banned or placed any restrictions on such weapons.
The use of antipersonnel landmines by US forces will only be in exceptional circumstances, says the Pentagon, and only “non-persistent types” – ie. versions that disarm themselves after a period, will be used. But campaigners will see this as striking at the international norm outlawing these weapons, and will argue that for all the technical wizardry many mines may still fail, remaining live and risking injury to innocent civilians.
Ugh. Right. “Russia” and “China.”
Trump isn’t thinking of America at all with this new landmine policy.
These new mines are all gonna get hogged by foreigners. Sigh.
Well, in any case, the fact that mines are going to get used again at least puts them out there in the public imagination. Perhaps, someday, America will be ready to employ this revolutionary means of border control.
A man can dream.