February 20, 2020
Welcome to 2020, time traveler.
Take a seat, get comfortable and learn all about modern human mating.
I’ll be your guide.
The first thing that you must know about modern human mating is that humans stopped being mammals sometime in the last hundred years or so, and have instead turned into consumer-producer units.
Since humans are no longer mammals, we have to prevent young humans from mating.
A school has been slammed for handing out leaflets suggesting students ‘suck each other’s toes’ or ‘buy them some nice underwear’ as opposed to having sex.
Pupils in Year 9 and above at Shevington High School in Wigan, Greater Manchester were given the booklet and told to take them home and ‘discuss it with a parent’.
Carl Lawrence said he was left ‘shocked and bewildered’ after his daughter Emma, 14, showed him the leaflet, which even suggests teenagers propose marriage.
As well suggesting his underage daughter drive a car, the leaflet proposed she ‘go on a loveboat’ or even ‘each suck one end of a long piece of spaghetti’.
Emma claims she was left shocked that when children laughed at the suggestions in class, a teacher told them: ‘You don’t know if you like it until you try it‘.
As consumer-producer units, young humans must try all sorts of novel experiences and practices in order to Find Themselves™.
After much scientific research, we’ve come to the unanimous conclusion that this is the most progressive way to do things.
Now Mr Lawrence is urging Shevington High School to ‘proof read’ the literature in future to ensure that what the children are told is age appropriate.
The leaflet’s creator – Spectrum Community Health CIC – defended its contents and said that it would help young people make ‘safer choices’.
Mr Lawrence said: ‘I was bewildered. I understand children need to be made aware of the world, but should we really be promoting fetishes in Year 9? I don’t think so.
Human father here is displaying signs of non-conforming to Progress due to his age.
‘The first thing that stood out was “suck their toes”. That’s quite niche.
‘There were some [ideas] I was really shocked at. I don’t think they’ve hit the target demographic. There is no way I think a 14-year-old should be reading this.
‘When I spoke to my daughter I said ‘you do know this isn’t the only way to do things?’
Emma had initially taken the sex ed booklet home to her mum Stacey Larkin, but Stacey was so embarrassed, she passed the baton of responsibility to Carl.
As the dad and daughter sat down together, Mr Lawrence was baffled that it suggested Emma ‘drive for two hours’ to show her love – despite being two years too young to get behind the wheel of a car.
Her being too young to drive is what would make her driving for two hours a true display of love, obviously.
Young humans of mating age shouldn’t be mating. Instead, they should be wasting their fertility, because The Economy demands that other, less complicated primates take over human countries.
Mr Lawrence said: ‘My daughter brought this leaflet home and said ‘we’ve been asked to discuss this with a parent’.
‘Her mum had looked at it and said ‘no, speak to your dad’. I think her mum was embarrassed – it’s very much a taboo subject still.
Women are capable of doing anything men can do, except in those moments where they could be doing something that a man can do in their place.
‘One of the suggestions was ‘drive for two hours just to see them for one’. I mean, that’s aggravated TWOCing [Taking Without Owner’s Consent] at age 14.
‘There were other things like ‘hang a banner outside a plane saying I love you’.
‘We’re a working-class family – we go to Card Factory instead of Clintons. There’s no way we’ll be [adding up] pennies to drop banners from planes – especially at that age when relationships are over within six months anyway.
‘It also had ‘propose marriage’. I don’t understand how it’s gone to print without being proof-read by someone who could ask ‘is this sensible?’
Worry not, ancient human.
The little ones can propose marriage all they want, but they won’t be allowed to follow through because Laws of Progress protect them.
After finding out the booklet had been handed out to children aged 13 to 15, Mr Lawrence then decided to jokingly message Emma’s boyfriend about the toe-sucking tip.
He has since urged educators to give teens the chance to ‘find things out themselves’ instead of ‘pointing them in the direction of every other possibility’.
Yes, young humans should be kept away from the accumulated wisdom of humanity, and instead they should be left on their own to unnecessarily figure things out from scratch.
This is how we do things in the Era of Progress.
This is The Way of The Clown.