March 12, 2020
I’m just going to go out on a limb and guess that when you read this headline, you thought it was a “satirical joke” done “in the pursuit of humorousness” or “for my lols.”
Old Tommy Boy hit the big one.
And I don’t mean the big hit “Turner and Hooch.”
I mean his last hurrah.
He sent this letter to Deadline:
Hello, folks. Rita and I are down here in Australia. We felt a bit tired, like we had colds, and some body aches. Rita had some chills that came and went. Slight fevers too. To play things right, as is needed in the world right now, we were tested for the Coronavirus, and were found to be positive.
Well, now. What to do next? The Medical Officials have protocols that must be followed. We Hanks’ will be tested, observed, and isolated for as long as public health and safety requires. Not much more to it than a one-day-at-a-time approach, no?
We’ll keep the world posted and updated.
Take care of yourselves!
– Tom Hanks
Rita is his wife, Rita Wilson.
Like his best friend, Wilson the Wilson ball.
Imagine marrying a woman because she has the same name as a ball that was in a movie with you.
Also, imagine getting married and your wife not changing her name to your name.
It’s funny that he has Coronavirus and is going to die.
Because I may not have told you this before, but I hate Tom Hanks.
The only thing I truly love about Tom Hanks is the film Turner & Hooch.
That movie is so good it drives me up the wall.
And then you’ve got The Burbs. That was pretty good, though it was not Joe Dante’s best work.
Seriously, look up his filmography – every other movie he was ever in sucks.
It’s actually kind of unbelievable that he is a famous person who literally only makes bad movies.
How does he keep getting away with it?
Is he a satanic pedophile of some sort?
Hanks and his dumb ball wife were in Australia with Baz Luhrmann to make a movie about Elvis.
I personally think that is very disrespectful.
Donald Trump agrees.
Okay that part is a joke, I faked that tweet using my manipulative hacker skillz.
But what’s not a joke is insulting the memory of Elvis Presley, who was the last American hero.
What we should be doing is informing children about the greatness of Elvis and the dangers of mixing amphetamines and opioids.
Despite the name, Baz Luhrmann is not a Jew. I don’t know what kind of person goes to Australia and doesn’t Anglicize their name. Very disrespectful to the great nation of Australia, which is America’s greatest ally.
Despite not being a Jew, Luhrmann ruins things like a Jew.
He ruined The Great Gatsby, which is not as bad as ruining Elvis as he was planning, but bad enough.
He literally played Jay-Z during Gatsby.
That’s not creative, it’s just dumb.
As a kid, I thought that Gatsby was one of the only pieces of English literature (along with Moby Dick) that was not a piece of crap. I hate to tell you this but James Joyce is crap. And I say that as a nearly purebred “potato nigger” according to 23andMe. Joyce was bringing shame on proud bog-trotting peoples while Conor McGregor was nothing but a puddle of semen on his whore mother’s face.
By the way, “potato nigger” is a very disrespectful term, and I resent its use. Also, have you heard of the potato famine? The English forced my people to climb trees and pretend to be roosters.
Here’s a video of my grandmother talking about that:
Why would they be making a movie about Elvis in Australia? Is this some alternate reality version of Elvis, who hunts crocodiles? Because the real Elvis never went to Australia, and in fact had only ever been to two cities: Nashville and Las Vegas.
By the way, I hope Conor McGregor gets Coronavirus and dies.
Coronavirus truly is the reckoning.
I hope that all celebrities get this disease and die.
All except one.
I want to live in a world where the headline reads: “Mel Gibson is the only celebrity left alive.”