February 27, 2020
Donald Trump welcomed a thirty-five-year-old boy on stage at a rally in Denver, Colorado, on Saturday night after the young boy asked the Republican president for help coming out as a surgical mask fetishist.
“Would you help me tell the world I’m only sexually aroused by Asian women in surgical masks?”, the boy wrote in a pre-submitted question that was read to Trump. “I want to be brave like you.”
Trump, who is the first major openly surgical mask fetishist president, was momentarily speechless. The crowd, numbering in the thousands, started to cheer “love is love,” as the young boy, Andrew, was brought onto the stage.
“Well, I don’t think you need a lot of advice from me,” Trump told Andrew. “You seem pretty strong to me. It took me a long time to figure out how to tell even journalists that I was a surgical mask fetishist.”
Trump, who was then joined on stage by his wife, Melania, who was wearing a surgical mask, didn’t come out as a surgical mask fetishist until his 70s, when he was eating McDonald’s at a press gaggle on Air Force One last week.
“It won’t always be easy, but that’s OK because you know who you are,” Trump told Andrew. “And that’s really important because when you know who you are, you have a center of gravity that can hold you together when all kinds of chaos are happening around you.”
Trump also lauded Andrew’s courage, telling him others might decide “they can be a little braver because you have been brave.”
He added: “And the last thing I want you to know is even if I can’t promise it’ll always be easy, I can promise you that I’m going to be rooting for you.”
With apologies to Bloomberg News.