Suspicions of Racial Bias Abound After Illinois Trampoline Park Cancels Teen Night

The world is abuzz with reflection after a mostly peaceful Black Lives Matter protest at a trampoline park in Peoria ended in the canceling of teen night. The situation has caused Americans and the world to painfully reassess the deeply rooted systemic racism of the trampoline park industry, and the effects it has on Black bodies.

Saturday night at the Elevate Trampoline Park in Peoria promised “the best high energy, adrenaline fix” in the town, according to the Kansas City Star.

However, when some of the teens used the park to stage a spontaneous and mostly peaceful Black Lives Matter protest, Elevate showed them the door.

Following the expulsion of the teens for voicing what many in America consider to be freedom of speech and expression, the trampoline park’s owner Liz Wilson on Monday announced that she will be permanently canceling teen nights at all Elevate locations.

This has thrust Wilson into the spotlight, with many wondering aloud if she is a white supremacist, and if she had anything to do with the distribution of disinformation which led to the hijacking of a podium of democracy on January 6.

Although the FBI would not confirm that Wilson was the mastermind behind the disinformation machine which experts say has wreaked havoc on our democracy, they did confirm that they are “tracking her every move” and “watching her from every angle as she panics like a rat in a cage.”

While many are asking questions, many are also claiming that canceling teen nights is tantamount to Jim Crow all over again, and that Wilson is robbing black children of their innocence by forcing them to relive the nightmares they experienced during slavery.

Under Jim Crow, teens only got 3/5ths of a trampoline night.

World Reacts to the Canceling of Elevate Trampoline Park Teen Night

Angela Merkel reacted swiftly to the canceling of teen night, calling it “an affront to the core values of democracy.”

“Teen night at the trampoline park is enshrined at the core of our democracy, and we must not forget our values as we struggle to make amends for canceling teen night,” Merkel said at an emergency meeting at the Berlin Holocaust Museum.

At the end of the meeting, Merkel expelled the Elevate Trampoline Park ambassador to Germany. After the expulsion, the Elevate ambassador was unfortunately gang-raped by 35-year-old Syrian refugee children from Afghanistan on her way to the airport.

Turkish leader Recep Ergogan said that there would be “retaliation” against “the entire trampoline industry” if further teen nights were canceled.

Osama bin Laden claimed responsibility for the canceling of Teen Trampoline Night, telling Wolf Blitzer: “By Allah’s mighty and merciful fist, the fun stops here! Hahahahaha!”

Fidel Castro released a statement by telegraph claiming that he would offer the teens asylum and a free large-sized “people’s trampoline, made in Cuba by the workers for the people’s jumpers.” However, during a follow-up Skype chat with some of the teens, he clarified: “Si si si si, but yoogunna hadda sweeem to kooooba. I doun has ehhhhhh sheeeep.” Castro was swiftly accused of racism by the New York Times’ Taylor Lorenz, who tweeted that she was currently crawling through the walls of his el casa grande, and has recorded video of him masturbating.

Minutes later, Castro’s Skype call dropped, as he’d been banned from the service.

His PayPal account was also shut down, which caused a chargeback on the $15 donation he had made to the GoFundMe of the teens whose trampoline night was shut down by the Russia-linked trampoline park. It also canceled a $5 donation he’d sent to retired nude model Katie Price’s retarded black son (also known as Jordan’s r-word person of color household companion), as the 18-year-old differently abled boy is recovering from the deadly coronavirus vaccine.

Men in black masks then threw bags of human urine and feces at Castro while he was on his back porch trying to speak with an Indian tech support agent from PayPal about whether or not he could get it in writing that he will actually get his $20 back after the six month KYC waiting period. The call then dropped, and when Castro pushed redial, he was told he would have to wait for 179 minutes to speak with a representative.

Castro’s auntie’s veterinarian canceled an appointment and dropped her cat Mitones as a client, saying he could not be associated with the cat of an associate of a known racist like Fidel Castro. Mitones has reportedly died of feline leukemia.

Minutes later, Lorenz’s colleague Kevin Roose published an op-ed on the New York Times online website exposing Lorenz’s problematic tweet to Fidel Castro, which failed to capitalize the word “Black” when referring to Americans of African or Afro-Latinx descent. Lorenz’s Twitter account was permanently suspended as her parents appeared on CNN with Jake Tapper via Zoom to denounce her.

However, Lorenz crawled out of a heating vent into Fidel Castro’s office, where she was able to access his telegraph machine, and contact Brian Stelter about the fact that Kevin Roose raped her 15 years ago at a co-ed college bikini wet t-shirt mud wrestling kegger party when she was working as a call girl because it was the only way she could pay her tuition and rent because of the gender pay gap.

ProPublica quickly published a detailed report on Lorenz’s activity entitled: “A Safe Space to Hate: How White Supremacists are Mobilizing on Cuba Standard Telegraph Service.”

Lorenz’s attorney Gloria Allred thereafter announced that ProPublica will be named in the civil suit against Kevin Roose for their attempts to silence rape survivors.

Shortly thereafter, Brian Stelter did a breaking news interruption of Jake Tapper’s interview with Taylor Lorenz’s parents to announce that Kevin Roose had been confirmed to have raped Taylor Lorenz. Stelter suggested that the New York Times article that Roose had published about her being a racist may have been intended to intimidate her to keep her from speaking out, even though Lorenz didn’t herself suggest that.

This resulted in Amazon Web Services shutting down the New York Times website for intimidation and harassment of a rape victim and extremism. The New York Times editor-in-chief was able to send a message via Cuban Standard Telegraph Service announcing a lawsuit against Amazon for anti-Semitic discrimination.

Meanwhile, the supernaturally evil Russian Kremlin (formerly the KGB) claimed that private property rights and the right of free association are important to a social order, adding that the Kremlin does not encourage Russian citizens living abroad to boycott Elevate Trampoline Park.