March 21, 2020
You guys, I don’t know if I can keep doing these reviews. I thought we were closing in on the end of the show, and I could make it through, but this might be my last review.
I’m behind now by two episodes, because I just didn’t have it in me to watch them. Watching this show, it feels like someone has reached his hand into my chest and is strangling my soul. But I know you love these. Oh, how I know of your love for my Picard reviews.
I feel like doing Futureworld reviews next, actually. Or what the hell is that show called. Westworld. Season three of that is going to be trying to get to Picard levels of horrible, I guarantee.
Episode 7 of the childhood-destroying Star Trek: Picard starts out with a flashback to when the secret Romulan agent visited Agnes, and shows that she did a mind meld on her (because she’s also half Vulcan) and showed her “what will happen if synthetic life is allowed to exist.”
The mind meld shows a bunch of like, explosions and crap and people killing themselves.
And so that’s why, uh, Agnes killed Maddox earlier in the show. Because she had to kill him because… because he knew how to make androids and he could bring about the apocalypse by doing this.
I still don’t understand why she couldn’t have just been like “man you gotta stop making these androids, because if you don’t we’re all doomed.”
But whatever. This is the explanation as to why she killed him at the end of episode 5. To prevent the android apocalypse.
Then we go to the Borg Cube, where Hugh and Elnor remained after JL and Soji escaped (even though they could have just gone with them), and the evil Romulan lady is talking evil.
At this point in the show, we’ve already realized that the Romulans are doing all this because they think androids are going to bring about an apocalypse, so we realize that there is no actual reason for these characters to be evil, because even though they are antagonists, they’re actually doing something that they think is good in trying to prevent the apocalypse. But yeah she’s totally evil.
Literally as she’s torturing Hugh, she’s saying that she’s trying to save a trillion people.
She also says she won’t kill him because he’s protected by a Federation treaty. Apparently, Hugh is working for the Federation, which either wasn’t said until now or which I missed.
And at this point we begin to realize the depth of hollowness in this show’s plot more than we ever could have before this point.
This is the timeline of events in this show’s plot line:
- Romulus’ sun was going to go supernova, and the only way to evacuate the planet was for the Federation to help
- JL was in charge of the operation and made a pact with the Romulans
- Androids attacked Mars, so the Federation decided not to help the Romulans
- The Romulan Empire was completely destroyed because one star exploded, and now Romulans are living in Wild Wild West style towns (Episode 4)
- After their empire was totally destroyed, they decided to do a humanitarian project on a Borg Cube to de-assimilate the people on it
- They made a treaty with the Federation to work on this humanitarian project together, even though they blame the Federation for not saving them
It is just wow.
Romulans are not a humanitarian people in the first place, but who the hell is going to launch a massive humanitarian project after their empire was destroyed? And why are evil people running a humanitarian project?
As far as I can tell, there was no ulterior motive to the humanitarian project. It is just straightforward. Unless the entire thing was set up to lure in Soji.
Also, there is no explanation of why Soji was there. She was sent there by Maddox for a reason that hasn’t been stated. And the information of how to find the android home planet was stored in her brain, for the Romulans to find.
So Narik then leaves the Cube to chase after JL’s ship, because he knows that this ship will rendezvous with Soji, who he has to chase down because… I don’t know. He already got the information he needed from her brain, so why does he need to chase her down? Just to kill her?
Romulan elf boy stays on the Cube with Hugh because… for some reason.
Basically, everything in this show can just be described like “and then for some reason x thing happens…”
Because I mean, the whole thing last episode was that he stayed on the Cube because he was sworn to protect JL, so then you’d think he’d leave the Cube to follow after JL because of his oath to protect him. But instead he decides now he wants to help Hugh.
I don’t know, but probably.
JL and Soji could go anywhere in the universe from the Borg escape portal in episode 6. Because the Borg apparently have the technology to transport anywhere in the entire galaxy in an instant but they only use it for the purpose of an escape room.
JL is almost as dumb as the Borg, apparently, because instead of using this technology to go straight to earth and warn the Federation about – honestly, I don’t even know what he would be warning them about because I’m still trying to figure out who and what the bad guys are and what their secret plan is.
Let me think.
He would be warning the Federation about the Romulan plot to… go to the android planet and kill all of the androids.
But instead of doing that, he went to Will Riker and Deanna Troi’s retirement planet.
They show up and a child is pointing a bow and arrow at them.
The child turns out to be Riker and Troi’s daughter.
Almost everything in this episode is filler.
I just don’t even understand how you do a 10 episode series with all of these characters and almost all of it ends up as filler – but whatever.
As soon as JL shows up, Deanna hugs him and says “you’re in trouble.”
She knows that because she’s empathic, not because it makes logical sense that he would come to a retirement planet because he’s in trouble.
But then Riker also immediately knows that he’s in trouble.
He then tells him that when JL wanted to help the Romulans, he reminded him of the fourth law of thermodynamics – “no good deed goes unpunished.”
Yep, totally in character. Riker telling Picard not to do a good deed. I remember it clearly from my childhood – in Star Trek: The Next Generation, whenever someone was in trouble and Picard wanted to help them, Riker would say “screw these people, let’s just get out of here and let them die.” That’s why he was always my favorite character.
Then we see Soji taking a shower.
And I don’t know if it’s just me having been on the internet too long, but this show has almost Tarantino levels of feet shots.
At least twice, Soji is specifically told to take her shoes off, and in every single episode there are zoom-ins on her feet.
Ah well. Foot fetishism would definitely be the most innocent thing about this vile show.
Then there’s literally like a four minute conversation between Soji and the child about literally nothing.
Then JL admits to Deanna that he’s put her entire family at risk of being killed by Romulans, literally for no reason. Because there was no reason to come to this planet, other than to feature cameos from these TNG characters.
She cries. Oh, and Soji cried during the conversation with the girl.
I think Alex Kurtzman must have written in huge letters on a board in the writers’ room “do not ever go more than 90 seconds without someone crying or screaming the f-word!”
Just after that, it cuts to the ship, where they’re being chased by the Romulan, and the black chick starts talking all sassy to the white chick.
Then the white girl starts dropping f-bombs, and the black woman says she’ll give her drugs.
And then it’s pizza time.
And this is when you see on Patrick Stewart’s face that maybe, just maybe, he’s realized how humiliating this show is to his legacy as an actor.
Then Deanna has a tomato with Soji, and it’s a real tomato, and there is a forced metaphor of real being better, and Soji not being a real person.
Then Deanna says that her other son died from a “silicon-based virus.” I wonder how that works.
Do you remember when Star Trek tried to stick to actual real science?
I remember that.
Oh, how I remember.
In fact, the reason I haven’t been doing these reviews on time is that I have been watching old episodes of TNG. I don’t know if all of the science was “real,” but they definitely made a point to have everything they did based on theoretical science. The writers actually read about science.
Anyway, she explains that her carbon-based son could have been cured of this silicon-based virus if androids were allowed to cure him, but androids were banned so he died.
Back on the Borg Cube, Hugh and Elnor are plotting to take over the Cube, but the evil woman walks out and says that would be a treaty violation.
And the fact that they were talking about it means that she can now kill them. Because the treaty says that if you talk about violating the treaty, you can be killed. I guess.
Then Elnor has a ninja fight with the Romulan villain woman, and I guess that is alright.
It is one thing you can I guess say about this show – the fight scenes are alright.
Then during the fight, when she is losing, she throws a dart at Hugh’s throat. And his face when that dart hits is the same face I was making the whole time I was watching this episode.
Then we go back to the ship and you can flip a coin as to whether someone is crying or screaming and saying the f-word.
This time someone is crying.
Then more about pizza.
Finally, Soji tells JL that she knows where the android planet is.
And then you really realize how stupid it is that they went to this retirement planet, when they could have just went straight to the android planet, which is where Soji wanted to go this whole time. Oh but no they couldn’t have, because the only person who knew where there’s a planet with two red moons was this female child.
What a way to explain why they went to this planet.
Then back on the ship, Agnes tells Rios that she’s the reason the Romulan ship keeps finding them, because she’s got a tracker. Somehow, neither of them starts crying or says the f-word.
No, I’m joking.
She starts crying.
I would have preferred if he had started crying. I mean, switch it up a little. Isn’t it sexist to only have the women crying?
I guess to get rid of the tracker, she injects herself with something.
And then falls on the ground and starts foaming at the mouth.
Totally intense and badass.
And then Narak can’t track them anymore.
The plan worked.
But speaking of plans not working, back on the Borg Cube, Elnor is cornered…!
He could really do with a little bit of Deus Ex Machina.
Luckily, he finds a “Fenris Rangers” button thingie just hanging there – or maybe he already had it, I don’t even know – and he pushes it just in time.
Back on the retirement planet, there are some good shots of the scenery.
This looks like it was filmed in Alaska in the summertime.
Then the little girl tells Soji that JL is actually her new father.
All of these emotional scenes are so absurd, because there is just no way anyone could care about any of these characters, because they are so poorly developed. So it is just like watching a schizophrenic homeless person screaming on the street.
Then JL and Soji beam up to the ship.
And you realize that absolutely nothing changed from the beginning of this episode to the end of it.
If the goal all along was to get aboard the ship, they could have just used the Borg Cube escape room to beam directly to the ship.
Once again, the truly amazing thing about this show is that it was made at all.
Seriously, how is it even possible that this went through all the stages of production, and no one was like “wait, shouldn’t we make a show that makes sense”?