January 30, 2020
Hail the Lamington cake, Bringer of Justice, Herald of Peace.
A woman has died after taking part in a cake-eating competition during Australia Day celebrations in Queensland.
The woman, aged 60, reportedly choked and had a seizure during the event at a hotel in the south east of the territory.
Hotel staff were quick to respond, giving the woman CPR and calling emergency services, according to 10 First News Queensland.
Paramedics were unable to resuscitate her, and she was taken to Hervey Bay hospital, where she was pronounced dead.
Yes. Her cause of death was cake.
She should be celebrated as a brave woman who died as she lived: eating cake.
Mobile phone footage of the event at the Beach House Hotel in Hervey Bay, broadcast by Australia’s 9 News, shows contestants speed-eating lamingtons – cubes of sponge cake covered with chocolate and dessicated coconut.
Glasses of water are next to contestants to help them wash down the cake, and crowds of people are cheering the competitors on.
Witnesses said the woman choked after accidentally inhaling the dessicated coconut during the contest.
“Sadly a lady died during the lamington eating competition,” one witness wrote on Facebook.
“This lady shovelled the lamington into her mouth with no restraint … inhaled the coconut and arrested.
“The [hotel staff were] very quick to respond with CPR, and the ambulance rocked … working on her over half an hour, it didn’t look good.”
Another witness who apparently knew the woman, told newspaper the Courier Mail she had been filming the competition when she noticed something was wrong.
A third witness named as Michelle Iffland, said the woman had been in good spirits just before the incident. “I’m so sad right now. One minute she was happy the next she was gone,” Ms Iffland said.
Western women are known to shove edibles into their mouths with no restraints, so if the coconut from the cake is found to be the culprit here, we’ll have to ban all shredded coconut to keep women safe as they indulge in all of the pleasures that Modern Western Life has to offer.
Pictured: woman increasing her stores of adipose tissue.
Cake-eating contests are, in essence, no different than sugar-eating, alcohol-drinking or “doing stuff that is bad for you” contests.
This type of contest can only exist in an environment of overabundance, where consuming is encouraged and touted as the way to keep the system running.
Consumerism was turned into a contest.
Our ancestors may have asked themselves, during some famine or hard period in their lives, what life would be like if The Hunger Monster didn’t torment them and how high could they go if lack of food wasn’t a concern.
I’m pretty sure that they didn’t imagine that they’d be obese monstrosities, or that if lack of food didn’t killed them, availability of food in the forms of heart disease, cancer, diabetes, and others would.
If abundance of food hasn’t already killed more people than starvation ever did, it soon will.