May 27, 2019
In a shocking upset in the European elections, Sargon of Akkad has been elected Prime Minister of the United Kingdom for some reason.
No one knows how it happened, because Sargon of Akkad was not running for Prime Minister and these are not even British elections.
But Akkad is now in control.
This morning, he took a limousine to 10 Downing Street and began raping the staff. When one of the guards tried to step in, he said “STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY, COPPER – I’M IN CHARGE HERE AWRIGHT MATE!” The guard stood down, as it was true – he is in charge, and the British Constitution says that the Prime Minister can rape whoever he likes.
Akkad’s first official act as Prime Minister was to pardon Paul Joseph Watson, who was recently revealed to be a sadistic homosexual serial killer.
He said it was fine if Watson wanted to “fuck young boys,” but did not comment specifically on the brutal murders.
Some people took issue with this. However, the numbers of those who took issue are not clearly measured in statistical terms.
It is unknown who voted for Akkad, or how they voted for a Prime Minister in the wrong election. Akkad famously declared that he would not even be voting for himself.
The parking lots of middle schools filled up this morning with men creeping around, as Akkad officially declared that the new age of consent would be “as long as she seems mature.”
British Nazis also rejoiced, as Sargon made the official declaration to them: “You can do whatever you want, I don’t really care – it’s up to you.”
Akkad also announced that he will be doing “Daily Wisdom Sessions” where he gives philosophical advice to the British people every afternoon in order to help them with their daily lives.
Many people think this is a good addition to his brutal reign.
I do not personally have a strong opinion about this shakeup in British politics, but I will say that Sargon is a lot better than Theresa May, so in that sense, the country is moving in the right direction.