Ruff Ryder Lloyd Austin Orders Commercial Airlines to Help Him Evacuate Afghanistan

“Nigga, we is be botta roll deep out dis muthafugga. Faggots is cowards, bitch. Suck my dick. Bix nood, muthafuka.” -US Defense Secretary on his evacuation plans

Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, known colloquially as “Big Blackie the Mack Daddy,” explained to airlines: “yall niggas is been down to ride like a muthafugguh out dis bitch, ya herd? Shiiiiiiieet!”

The Delta Airlines spokesman didn’t know exactly how to respond, and became uncomfortable, replying: “yes, my nigger.” With the hard r, just like that.

His house was promptly burned down and his children flayed by peaceful civil rights activists.


Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin has activated a program used only three times in the last 30 years to require U.S. commercial airlines to provide planes to help speed up Afghanistan evacuation efforts, the Pentagon said Sunday.

The commercial planes would not fly into Kabul but instead would be used to transport those who have already been flown out of the country to allow military aircraft to focus on operations in and out of Kabul, it said.

The Defense Department activated the Civil Reserve Air Fleet, a nearly 70-year-old program created in the wake of the Berlin airlift to provide a backup by commercial air carriers for a “major national defense emergency.” It is the third time the CRAF has been activated. Previously it was used in the early 1990s and early 2000s during the Iraq wars.

The activation is for 18 aircraft: three each from American Airlines, Atlas Air, Delta Air Lines, and Omni Air; two from Hawaiian Airlines; and four from United Airlines.

“CRAF activation provides the Department of Defense access to commercial air mobility resources to augment our support to the Department of State in the evacuation of U.S. citizens and personnel, Special Immigrant Visa applicants, and other at-risk individuals from Afghanistan,” Pentagon press secretary John Kirby said in a statement.

“The Department does not anticipate a major impact to commercial flights from this activation,” Kirby said. The airlines didn’t immediately comment.

John Kirby – professional ebonics translator.

The Taliban is not actually attacking the airport. There is no evidence of that, at all.

They have done some riot control around the airport. That’s all. They are helping people get to the airport, actually.

Did you know that the US government is claiming that ISIS attacked the airport?

That was one of the wackiest things I’d heard this whole time.