Portland Citizens Baffled by the Mystery of Rising Crime

In the summer of 2020, we had a movement to abolish the police. It was made clear, by The Science, that if we abolished the police, we would create a society free of crime.

Somehow, after police forces across the country were defunded, and restricted in their abilities to harass innocent blacks, crime has actually gone up.

The math doesn’t make sense. It just doesn’t add up. The Science was settled.

There is only one possible explanation for why crime would have gone up: white racism has increased.

There is one clear solution: we need to remove even more cops. Furthermore, The Science says that if we want to stop handgun crime in inner-city black neighborhoods, we need to ban rural white people from owning AR-15s.

USA Today:

Pastor J.W. Matt Hennessee, a longtime local anti-gun violence advocate, never expected to lose his own child to the bullets he has tried to stop for almost four decades.

So when he got a call on May 13, letting him know that his stepson Jalon Yoakum, 33, was the latest victim in an onslaught of violent crime, Hennessee felt numb.

“This isn’t something where I’m new to the table,” said Hennessee, 62, who has battled gun violence in Portland for 40 years. “But I hadn’t worried about it, hadn’t thought about it, and when that call came …

“It’s not going away,” Hennessee said. “Jalon was victim No. 31 and there’s been (36) more from May to October. Where are we headed?”

Where are we headed? To a socialist utopia. But not until we finally abolish whiteness by smashing white fragility.

When that call came, he is been done did knowed that this shit be is white people fault.

Why would white people force other black people to murder his son?

Racist hatred for the color of the skin.

The Science is clear: black people built America out of cotton. Whites are jealous of their engineering skills.

Crime is up all over the country, and has been since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic in March 2020. But there is a a certain sad irony in Portland, long considered a safe, desirable place to live. Already, the city has tallied 67 homicides for 2021, breaking a 34-year-old record of 66. Last year, 55 homicides was a 26-year high in the city.

The numbers alone are troubling, but even more worrisome when compared with other similarly sized cities, where violent crime numbers are considerably less, including Seattle and Boston. In Portland, long considered a liberal stronghold in America, some community leaders and officers feel that police defunding efforts in summer 2020 may have backfired, at least somewhat. With fewer officers on the street, violence has escalated significantly.


Police are the ones causing the violence.

No police would mean no violence.

The white supremacist owned USA Today even goes so far as to connect the disbanding of the city’s shooting prevention team to rising gun violence.

Portland’s gun violence problems can be traced back, at least partially, to the killing of George Floyd in May 2020. Floyd’s murder, at the hands of a Minneapolis police officer, sparked a nationwide racial reckoning as hundreds of thousands took to the streets.

In Portland, a predominantly white city, protesters rallied for more than 130 days straight.

A few months after Floyd’s death, as national conversations about police bias dominated public meetings, the Portland City Council on July 1, 2020, voted to defund and disband Portland’s Gun Violence Reduction Team, the task force devoted to preventing and investigating shootings.

The effect in the streets was immediate: From Jan. 1, 2020, to June 30, 2020, Portland had just four murders. In the following 12-month period, Portland tallied 94 homicides.

The gun violence reduction team was run by whites who were trying to commit a genocide.

We saw it with George Floyd and many other cases: whites have used the police to try to exterminate the black race, because they hate dark colors.

Black people only murder other black people in drug feuds and random parking lot arguments because police exist. The Science is settled. Only a Russian bot white supremacist Trump supporter QAnon conspiracy theorist science denier anti-vaxer would argue that fewer police on the streets means more crime.

We need action on stopping newspapers from printing false conspiracy theories about a false connection between the abolish the police movement and rising crime. This is disinformation, which is a form of violence.

Editor’s Note: This satire is getting difficult, no? I really feel like most liberals could read the above article straight and just nod along, never suspecting that they are being mocked.