New Troubles: $1500 iPhone is Likely to Blow Your Dick Off

Andrew Anglin
Daily Stormer
January 1, 2019

This is a monumental screw-up on the part of Apple. Pretty much the worst possible thing you can ever do as a phone company is put out an exploding phone.

It’s fitting that it is the iPhone XS, which starts at $1200 and ranges all the way up to $1500, that is doing the exploding.

I’m not sure that anyone deserves to have their dick blown off, but if someone does, it is the person who pays $1500 for a phone that does not have any more functionality than a refurbished iPhone 6.

Tom’s Hardware:

According to a new report from iDrop News, a man who has asked to be known as J. Hillard said that he was carrying an iPhone XS Max in his pocket and the smartphone spontaneously caught fire. The smartphone was inside a case in his pants pocket at the time and he smelled something “strange,” according to the report. He then felt a “large amount of heat” and his skin burning. Soon after, green and yellow smoke came from the iPhone in his pocket.

“Left no other option, I had to exit the room since there was a female in the break room with me and remove my pants,” Hillard told iDrop News. “I ran to the boardroom where I got my shoes and pants off as fast as possible. A VP of our company put the fire out with a fire extinguisher because he heard me yelling.”

After that, Hillard said he found a hole in his pants from where the iPhone was and had “pain/irritation in my buttocks region where the pocket of my pants was located.”

It’s unclear what might have caused the fire in Hillard’s iPhone, but his account of what happened could indicate that the battery inside the iPhone XS Max overheated for some reason. In cases where smartphone batteries overheat and catch fire, there’s often a terrible smell and plenty of yellow smoke. The pictures he took of his iPhone that have since surfaced online also suggest a possible battery problem.

According to Hillard, he went to the Apple Store that night to tell Apple about his problem. The employees there took his phone, according to Hillard, and told him that they couldn’t do much more for him. He called Apple to complain and was ultimately offered a new handset.

According to the iDrop News report, Hillard said that he wants more than just a new iPhone, including new clothing and shoes to replace what had been damaged. He also wants Apple to cover the cost of his wireless service during the period when he didn’t have a working iPhone. He’s also considering whether to take legal action against Apple.

If they didn’t even offer the poor bastard new pants, I think it is safe to assume that they will not offer you a new cyborg penis when the iPhone XS blows yours straight the hell off.

When Samsung’s phones started exploding, it cost them billions of dollars.

Firstly, everyone was afraid it was going to blow their dicks off, and having your dick blown off is like the number one thing that people do not want.

Secondly, airlines banned the Samsung Note 7 completely when it started exploding, making it useless for the people who were willing to risk having their dicks blown off, because explosions in airplanes are very serious business.

This is just the latest of the disasters surrounding the iPhone business, which is doing terribly due to the fact that no one wants to buy a phone that is $1500 and has the same functionality of a phone that costs $300.

Apple is collapsing as a company, because their actual business model is to sell infinite cellphones, even though there are not infinite numbers of people on the planet.

Despite the fact that Apple already had a working electronic assistant in the form of Siri, they for whatever reason did not release one of these talking box things that people are now obsessed with until like a year after Amazon, allowing Amazon to capture the market and become the standard.

They have also not invented anything else that anyone cares about.

This is what happens when the genius who built your companies dies and you replace him with a cocksucking homosexual who is more concerned about silencing people who disagree with the establishment than serving customers.