New Assassin’s Creed Game Will Feature Faggotry Just Like the Last One

The first thing that went through my mind when I saw this was “Man, I sure hope when I play this game, I can make a hairy Viking guy ejaculate in some other hairy Viking guy’s asshole”

I never understood the appeal of Assassin’s Creed.

I only ever played the first one, and it felt more like a tech demo that was unnecessarily dragged out than a real game.

Turns out millions of people disagree with me, and now they’re getting exactly what they deserve.


Just like Assassin’s Creed Odyssey before it, Assassin’s Creed Valhalla will let you engage in homosexual romances.

Speaking with Stevivor, Narrative Director Darby McDevitt said that homosexual relationships will be possible.

“Yeah — there’s a lot of romances to have that can be found all over the map,” he said, “and you can choose how to approach them any way you see fit.”

Yeah, but the question is – will there be black Vikings too?

Because just 2 guys hecking each other in the ass isn’t diverse enough unless one of them is named Tyrone.

Also, can you have orgies with multiple black Vikings?

People need to know this stuff, man.

While Odyssey came out strong with an approach that encouraged players to roleplay as a heterosexual, homosexual or asexual character, that narrative hit a bump when DLC forced your protagonist to marry and have a child. While Ubisoft apologised and corrected the mistake, one hopes that Valhalla will learn from Odyssey‘s mistakes and provide a playthrough with the need for a patch.

See, the central concept of this game – other than the parkour thing – is that you’re re-living the memories of your ancestors in order to find clues for the present-world location of some long-forgotten pre-human artifacts.

But this is problematic you see, because that necessarily implies that a man ejaculating in another man’s anus can’t produce children, which professor Shlomo assured me is both absurd and hateful.

And they actually had to “correct” it and apologize for it.

And some of you reading this are actually considering giving these people your money…

Not cool.