July 6, 2018
Some communists, paki rape gangs and other freedom-haters have conspired to float this balloon around during Emperor Trump’s state visit to Londistan.
Protestors have been given permission to fly a giant balloon portraying Donald Trump as an angry, orange baby over the U.K. parliament during the president’s first official visit to Britain.
Named “Trump Baby,” the 20-foot-tall blimp will be airborne when Trump is in London next week.
London Mayor Sadiq Khan had initially refused permission for the flight, but on Thursday relented after more than 10,000 people signed a petition calling for him to do so.
“N-no, please, stop, this is wrong!” cried the giggling, bashful paki, as other traitorous scum reached up his skirt. I haven’t heard a sluttier “playing hard to get” since I heard this song while playing Mafia.
In a statement, a spokesperson for the mayor said Khan “supports the right to peaceful protest and understands that this can take many different forms.”
Yeah, what was the point of leading us on, Khan? There’s nothing more annoying than a woman with her mouth moving while her clothes are on. We’re not paying attention because we wanted to hear what insightful thing you’re going to say next.
At the time of writing, a crowdfunding campaign to manufacture, inflate and fly the balloon had raised over £17,000 ($22,500) that organizers said was easily enough money to make “Trump Baby” fly.
They’ve got it up to £20,000 since CNBC published this nine hours ago.
Celebrating Khan’s decision, the team behind “Trump Baby” appeared to adopt a Twitter style akin to the president himself, calling it “sad” that the London mayor had been forced to make a deal.
The balloon is to be tethered to the grounds of Parliament Square Gardens and will also be restricted from floating higher than 30 meters (98 feet). It will fly between 9:30 a.m. and 11:30 a.m. local time on Friday 13 July, coinciding with a “Stop Trump” march in central London.
Friday the 13th, huh?
I sure hope nothing… unlucky happens.
You know. In Minecraft.
As with any sort of shit test, if you fail the shit test and put up with the shit, that will become the new normal way you are treated, you will just have to put up with it the next day, and the next, forever.
We now plan to keep this crowdfunder rolling so that we can cover the shipping and helium costs to get #TrumpBaby to follow little Donald around the world, haunting his diplomatic engagements wherever he goes! #TrumpBaby can become a permanent feature of this dreadful Presidency, a constant, unmissable reminder of the contempt with which this embarrassment of a man is held by everyone outside of his deranged, bigoted base.
Either that, or they will just spend the money on drugs. It could go either way.
Or, something entirely unexpected could happen.
Security at the event – a meeting between heads of state – will be insanely tight.
There is only one man who could possibly stop this – a determined, mysterious, eyepatch-wearing hacker commando who commands a ruthless Internet Hate Group, a nebulous organization with a global reach and seemingly infinite resources, which for the time being seems aligned with Emperor Trump’s quest to defeat the enemies of the European race.
His analysts report that they have already found the storage location of the balloon.
However, the hacker has decided that the best time to strike will be when it is visible in Parliament Square.
Only three things are known about this hacker.
The first, is his motivation. He appears to act erratically, uninterested in money, power, or any of the normal human motivations which drive powerful actors. It is believed that he has a strictly metaphysical goal, having devoted his life to the service of a forgotten God of Chaos. It is rumored that he seeks to capture the conscious attention of living humans and sacrifice their life force to this ancient force, which he calls “Kek,” through a dark and mysterious conduit known as “lulz.”
The second thing that is known is his alias. In the darkest tubes of the internet, this hacker is known only as “4chan.”
The third, and most important thing: He cannot be stopped.
Not even we can stop this.
He has already made not one, not two, but three threads in which various attack plans have been analyzed, including the use of mirrors to concentrate sunlight and burn a hole into it, flying a drone into it, and various proposals for projectile weapons, such as slingshots. This fourth thread was still active at time of writing.
Another hacker, 8chan, seems to be assisting with this plot.
It has also been suggested that someone should project #FreeTommy onto the balloon with a projector. We’re not sure if it’s legal to do that – you probably need a permit – but anyone in London who can get an adequate projector should figure out if it’s legal for them to do that, and they should definitely do it if it is not against any laws.
All we can do now is plead with this hacker:
Please, 4chan, do not attempt to shoot a dangerous projectile such as an arrow at this balloon, miss, and kill some random person in the crowd.
That would be a disaster.
Aside from that, all we can do is watch.
More specifically, all our guys in London can do is record the balloon all day with a high quality video camera on Friday the 13th, and if anything happens to it, email the footage to me, so that the Stormer can publish this exclusive content, increase our readership, and tell more Britons about the paki rape gangs.
It is unclear why this hacker has decided to align with the Emperor Trump, against the forces of evil.
But, one thing is clear: his actions will be remembered forever, and Trump will be remembered as the great leader that he is.