Fairly elected President Joe Biden on Monday threatened to “piss in the boots” of right-wing Senator Ted Cruz during a heated argument about the debt ceiling.
“Soldier, if you don’t zip it, I’ll piss in your boots,” he told the Senator from Cuba. Boot pissing is a classical metaphor from Biden’s hometown of Scranton, Pennsylvania. It’s believed that it may have originated from the original British settlers of Pennsylvania threatening to urinate in the trunks of each other’s cars.
Cruz did not immediately respond to Biden’s statement, but instead began gurgling.
“For the, for the – this is the damn – it’s the last time I’m gonna tell you, Daddy-o!” the legitimately installed president continued. “I used to see a kid like you on my street, we’d tussle. I’d punch you right in your damn guts, man!”
It was unclear how Cruz felt about Biden’s escalating angry tone and metaphors for physical violence, as Cruz was only at this time seen burping.
“Boy, I’d like to punch you right now. There are six million people in this country that don’t have access to… to the… the… we’ve seen this story before, folks. We gotta do it. Just wear the, the, we just gotta, folks, we gotta… our roads, folks. My damn, this damn, we just gotta… folks…”
Cruz’ eyes rolled back in his head, which people took to be a sign that he wasn’t taking Biden’s heartfelt emotions seriously.
Biden, sensing a need for understanding, then began whispering: “We’re gonna get the help to the people who need it, folks. We have to help these people. We’ve got eight million… there’s sixty, seven hundred million… this is really it, folks.” His demeanor changed rapidly then, reflecting a spry wit, and he continued: “When I was with Barack he used to say the line is how far you can push it to, Joe. He’d call me Joe. He was a… I used to say… I’m a US Senator and if you don’t like it I’ll knock your damn lights out. There’s a lot of bad dudes out there, and they’re all trying to kill us.”
The bearded and heavily obese Senator Cruz then collapsed onto the floor, which most appeared to believe was a dramatic gesture showing disinterest in Biden’s debating style and arguments in favor of his positions.
“This fat guy man, acting like the whole thing is some big joke,” Biden said, visibly angry at the Cruz collapse. “We’re facing a crisis here, if we don’t get that help to those folk then another million, five hundred thousand, they’re all gonna die, you hear me?” He slowed down a bit, laughing and lightening his tone, “back when I was in Scranton working for Uhaul we used to call guys like you twizles. Twilper. Temple totem tockle. C’mon, man! It’s five o’clock it’s 11 o’clock in the damn morning, we been out here all day!”
Cruz, laying soundless on the ground, was then seen drooling and breathing heavily.
“People all over the world are counting on us! We’re America, man!” Biden went on. “This is the damn country that started it all. Back when I was just a boy, I used to watch Johnny Carson. Johnny Cars… Kerston… curs… we gotta do it, man!”
Cruz began farting wildly.
“When Trump… when Bush was back there, we… me and Barack had a saying, he told me Joe, if you’re gonna do it, then you better do it. I said this is it, we gotta…” Biden trailed off as a medical team entered the room to address Cruz’s condition. Biden’s handlers began shouting at the press not to ask any questions.
“Oh man, I’m sorry. I should be like the… I try not to talk like that, I’m sorry,” Biden said.
A medic was pulling off Cruz’s shirt and exposing his fat body, preparing to hit him with a defibrillator.
“I’m supposed to take a question from the Associated Times…” Biden began, before halting. “They’re saying I can’t take any questions.”
“Mr. President, what do you think is wrong with Ted Cruz? Is he faking this?” an unnamed British person shouted.
“Look, we’re gonna do the best we can,” Biden began to answer. “No, nope. No. I can’t answer any questions. I’m really gonna get in front of… I’m gonna get in a lot of trouble for this.”
Biden then seemed to notice the commotion of the medics tending to Cruz, and made a “yikes” face, before being ushered out of the room.
Senator Cruz’s spokesperson later announced that he’d gone into a diabetic coma.
Republicans are attempting to prevent Biden from raising the debt ceiling because they want to collapse the economy. Democrats have vowed to save the nation from this threat.