The worst has come true.
After four years of ‘Russiagate’ spy fiction, it’s time for one last yarn: the “former romantic partner” of a Capitol Hill rioter told the FBI that their ex-lover stole House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s laptop to… sell it to Russia.
Pelosi’s laptop vanished earlier this month, as an unruly crowd of President Donald Trump’s supporters swept through the US Capitol in Washington DC. The laptop hasn’t been located, but one witness told the FBI that their “former romantic partner,” seen on video footage inside the Capitol, had stolen the laptop and attempted to sell it to Russia’s foreign intelligence service.
The bizarre claim was attached on Sunday to a criminal case against Riley June Williams, a Pennsylvania woman charged with trespassing and disorderly conduct for her role in the protest.
Britain’s ITV News identified Williams a couple days ago. Her stupid whore mother sold her out. I mean, she was doomed anyway, but imagine your mother selling you out like this. Why?
The media has been doing a lot more investigating than the cops, frankly.
Her former lover – who identified his ex in video footage from the Capitol – told the FBI that Williams’ friends had shown him an additional video that captured her stealing “a laptop computer or hard drive from Speaker Pelosi’s office.” Williams, her former beau alleges, intended to send it “to a friend in Russia, who then planned to sell the device to SVR, Russia’s foreign intelligence service.” The witness said the “deal” had fallen through, and Williams still had the laptop, or had destroyed it.
The FBI hasn’t been able to verify the witness’s Russian-conspiracy claims, and the story could be more the work of a jilted lover than a concerned citizen. Nonetheless, according to the affidavit, Williams has left her home in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, and a warrant is out for her arrest.
Among other secrets on Madam Nancy’s laptop was the secret of democracy.
Nancy had composed a secret formula for democracy, similar to the secret recipe for KFC chicken. This democracy recipe allowed her to create a perfectly flavored democracy, where everyone is so filled with freedoms and values that they are happy all the time. That’s how she was able to run America so well, and create such a happy and contented population.
If the Russians get ahold of this secret recipe, they will be able to make their own population as happy and joyful, and as satisfied with their government as the average American is happy and satisfied with the American government.
If Russia is able to unlock the true secret of perfect democracy, we’re all doomed.
Let’s just hope they can’t break her encryption.