May 7, 2018
One of the biggest backlashes from our hyper-sexualized Tinder culture, where these stupid whores are fucking Tyrone by the time they’re 13, is that because there are no more virgins, there is literally no way to keep the volcano god happy.
Molten lava from Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano continued gushing into the lush paradise on the Big Island Monday, even as an eleventh fissure opened up, destroying more than two dozen homes and spewing lava hundreds of feet in the air.
The 26 decimated homes were located in the Leilani Estates subdivision, where molten rock, toxic gas and steam have been bursting through openings in the ground created by the volcano, officials said. No fatalities or major injuries have been reported since the eruptions began Thursday.
Hawaii County Civil Defense Administrator Talmadge Magno told reporters on Sunday that some of the fissures “have established pretty good flows and just continue to cover more of the subdivision,” adding a sizeable lava flow was heading north of a new vent.
“There’s no sign of slowing down,” he said. “We had some pauses yesterday, but it seems like there’s a lot of magma under the ground.”
Magno, you’d better find some virgins and you’d better find them quick.
I guess you should maybe check like, Utah?
OR NO WAIT – GOT IT.
Frankly, it’s about time the Amish started contributing something to this country, to be honest.
They do this whole “oh, we’re peaceful and war is wrong and we just want to live like backward primitives on our farm and God protects us” – no, my weird friends, God doesn’t protect you – the American military protects you. In a Walking Dead scenario, you would get raided, your wouldn’t have or know how to shoot modern guns, and you would get your throats slit and your virgins took and it would be proved that your entire weird thing was basically a LARPy scam to begin with.
The only true luddite primitivist was Uncle Ted – but Uncle Ted understood you still had to use BOMBS with pipes and wires and batteries and shit if you wanted to truly commit to the primitivist cause.
He wasn’t an AMISH LARP FAG.
Uncle Ted also unlike the Amish was Chad af and had a normal and reputable beard instead of a bizarro haji-like beard.
But whatever – not my issue.
My issue is: give us the virgins so we can get this volcano god situation under control.