I was late posting Saturday morning. Like 80 people sent me messages like “DID THE MOSSAD FINALLY GET YOU BRO???”
I’m not usually late, and I feel really bad about it, so I want to blame other people for this.
The first thing I want to blame is the staff. Usually, Elvis Dunderhoff and Snake Baker have some drafts ready for me to fill in in the morning, and I can kind of do this in just a couple of minutes while laying in my bed, so that there is some content on the site.
The second thing I want to blame is my friends, and women I met on New Year’s Eve. These friends pried me with alcohol so I would become funnier, and also stand around with them and make them less lonely. The women wanted me to use the money I saved by other people buying me drinks to buy them drinks, and also exploit my social status.
The third thing I would like to blame is ginseng tea, which does not increase health or resolve a hangover, despite advertising as such. I am putting together a lawsuit. I will also be suing the staff of 7/11 which endorsed these false claims.
The fourth group I would like to blame is greedy strippers.
The fifth thing I would like to blame is Amazon’s Wheel of Time series, its producers, Amazon as a company, Jeff Bezos, and the estate of Robert Jordan.
The sixth thing I would like to blame is methamphetamine producers, who had made it extremely difficult to buy Sudafed (especially if you look really tired and ragged and the woman at Walgreens is a cunt).
The seventh thing I would like to blame is the vaccinated, who appear to be shedding unhealthy particles on me.
The eighth thing I would like to blame is my landlord, who is not doing anything about the black mold in my bathroom.
The ninth thing I would like to blame is the difficulty in acquiring codeine cough syrup. I don’t know how the blacks get all of this, but I want to blame them for being able to get it so easily.
The tenth thing I want to blame is my pillow (not the MyPillow company, but the pillow I own, which is reducing my sleep quality).
The eleventh thing I want to blame is street pollution.
The twelfth thing I want to blame is cheese and other dairy products, including chocolate milk.
The thirteenth thing I want to blame is the Jews, who falsely changed the calendar, and also made New Year’s an important holiday associated with large amounts of alcohol.
The fourteenth thing I want to blame is poor quality fireworks, which led to a general feeling of dread and bad luck.
All of these things are responsible for my tardiness, and all of the blame rests equally upon each of them. Step by step, I will take revenge.
This article is a joke. There is nothing more painful to me than writing “this article is a joke” at the end of a joke, but I’ve found that on the internet, there are people who do not get jokes, no matter what the joke is. Usually, for me, people not getting the joke is the funniest part of the joke, and making a Hillary Clinton style list of people, events and objects that I blame for a personal failure is really funny to me. But personal responsibility is something that I don’t think can be joked about.
I am the only one responsible for my behavior. I have mentioned that I had an ear infection, and further investigation has led me to believe that I actually have a sinus infection that spread to my ear. I had been sneezing and snotting for weeks, and not really thought much of it, as you do. I don’t think it is appropriate for men to whine about a runny nose. But then when it got to my ear, it became extremely painful. Mostly, it’s cleared up now, but staying out late drinking for New Year’s put me in a bad way. This resulted in me waking up too early, and then watching five episodes of the terrible and evil Amazon Wheel of Time series. At that point, it was time to start work, but I said “I’m still not feeling great, let me just catch a quick nap.” Upon waking up, I was very late for work. Well, the adjective “very” might be unfair. (Although I usually post stuff for Europeans before bed), the hard rule is I want to have content up by six AM EST, and on Saturday, we landed just around 10:30.
I apologize to everyone affected by this. But the ultimate problem is this illness I’ve got. Trust me – over the last 9 years, I’ve been at least 70 times drunker than I was on Friday night, and the trains have run on time.
To give myself credit, despite the fact that all kinds of weird shit happens in my life constantly, it’s a pretty great comment on my work ethic that on New Year’s (the one day when you might expect that nigga had too much to drink and is sleeping in), when I’m late, everyone thinks I’m dead.
I also want to point out that despite the tardiness, Saturday’s articles were pretty good, and they included a well-done ebonics translation that was not just dialed in.
I apologize to everyone, and will do my best to make sure this doesn’t happen again. I’m going to figure out this sinus thing ASAP so I don’t end up in these situations where I’m sleeping 12 and 14 hours a day.
In 2020, this bright new decade, the trains will run on time.
I’m really excited about this year. Trump is looking great in the polls, and things are just generally going in the right direction. I’d say as long as some group of global Jews and pedophile transhumanists don’t try to fake a virus pandemic, this is going to be a fantastic year.