August 21, 2018
It’s time for us to sit down, so that I can impart some wisdom that your divorce-cucked bugman boomer fathers never shared with you.
You can tell that it is this time, because of this wise old man image I just found on Google images.
But, first, I need to make a confession.
I identify as a woman. And so should you.
Now, some of you are most likely reading this, and asking yourselves, “what the fuck is this shit?”
Another meme I just found of Google images to illustrate your predicted reaction.
In order to help explain this to the drawing of the meme person with the drink, I have compiled a listicle of reasons why I have assumed this new identity. I actually have six or seven reasons, but I rolled a few of them together, to make a nice, round number, like five.
Except, I guess, five is an odd, prime number, so it’s not really that round, but it’s the number of fingers you have on your hand, unless you’ve had some sort of injury or are otherwise deformed, so it seems like it’s a good number for a listicle.
Readers like the number five, because it reminds them of when they learned to count – and some of them have never progressed beyond that mental age. After all, half of people have a below average IQ, and these people are actually more likely to click on ads, so it makes sense to aggressively target “stupid people” as a readership demographic.
Except, I guess, we don’t have ads. But, one day we will – and in preparation for that day, I need to start building a solid readership of people who like the numbers five, and ten.
Except, I couldn’t think of ten reasons why I identify as a woman. I made it up to nine, I think, but then I forgot a few of them.
So, we’re just going to go with five.
#5: Challenge Trans-Woman Stereotypes
Trans-women, like real women, have been subject to years of brutal sterotyping by the hetero-cis-patriarchy.
For thousands of years, this was assumed to be the only acceptable, ideal form of a woman.
However, after years of struggle, women finally won the fight against femininity. They proved to the world that they could cut their hair short, dress like men, give firm handshakes, lift weights, work in offices, and be exactly like men – except worse – but otherwise, exactly the same.
Trans-women, however, still have to overcome the stereotype of trans-women forced on them by the hetero-cis-patriarchy. A little box has been drawn around them in the collective cis-magination, and one, specific image of the trans-woman – that of a dolled up, cock-chopped sodomite in a wig and a dress – has been sold to us as the only acceptable definition of trans-woman-ness.
This “unique snowflake” is literally oppressing me with zir trans-normative shaming.
In order to break this glass ceiling, I must now fight – on behalf of all trans-woman-kind, to prove that trans-women can also cut our hair short, dress like men, give firm handshakes, lift weights, work man jobs, and be exactly like men – except not worse, because we are actually, biologically, men.
Except, we are also women – because we say we are women.
As a trans-woman, I can even use the pronouns “he, him, his” – even though “his” is a possessive adjective, and “him” is… not a pronoun, I think, but some other type of word that I do not know the category for.
But, these are still pronouns – because I identify them as pronouns.
As a trans-woman lesbian, I actually become even more unique, and when I get married, it will be by definition a gay marriage, which will give me even more extra privilege.
It’s up to me to challenge this oppressive, narrow view of trans-women – but I can’t do it alone.
I need your help.
What makes me even more extra doubleplus privileged is that, as a trans-woman, I can be genderfluid, and become or unbecome a woman at any time.
Even this guy can be woman.
He doesn’t have to change anything about himself – all he has to do is say that he is a woman.
Because, in this current year, that’s the only thing that makes you a woman – stating that you are a woman, at any specific point in time.
And, sometimes, it’s just more convenient – like when I want to get an affirmative action job.
#4: Getting Affirmative Action Jobs
In order to promote workplace diversity and equality – in which everyone is different, but also perfectly functionally equivalent with no meaningful differences – many companies, like Google, have set “gender quotas” which require a certain percentage of their employees to be women.
In most sectors, due to internalized patriarchy, these positions tend to be filled by real women – who should obviously not even have these jobs and should be at home raising children.
However, in traditionally male-dominated sectors such as programming, it is literally impossible to find more than two real women who are remotely competent.
So, to fill the gender quota in male-dominated industries that almost no real women are actually good at, it makes sense in a way for them to hire cock-chopped sodomite queers in dresses to fill these roles, since, despite their social problems, they are male and should have male working capacity in technical roles.
Obviously, this is discrimination against me, a hetero-cis-male-presenting trans-woman, implying that I am “not a real woman” simply because I only choose to arbitrarily identify as a woman for the explicit purpose of claiming their special privileges.
This is obviously discrimination, and it needs to end.
This discrimination also gives me the opportunity to maliciously sue anyone who denies me a gender quota job, for oppressing me with their cis-sexist notions of how a trans-woman can and cannot present himself.
Even if this malicious litigation ultimately fails, I can guarantee that it will still get into the press as a bizarre human interest piece, and damage the reputation of the company in question, branding them as intolerant and oppressive for questioning the authencity of my trans-woman-hood.
While ligitation is expensive, I can also choose to identify as a lawyer, ask Google about how to file a court case, and file a court case anyway.
You can do this, too.
And you should.
#3: Pregnant Woman Parking Spots
I’m tired of seeing empty parking spots which are reserved for pregnant women. I mean, really – their feet aren’t pregnant. They can walk.
Most women who park in these spots aren’t visibly pregnant, anyway – and women shouldn’t be out of the house unaccompanied anyway.
As a trans-woman, I can tell them, to their faces, that it’s disgusting whore behavior to go around in public without a male relative. Having basically 18th century views on the social role of real woman just makes me even more diverse – viewpoint diversity – which makes me even more different, and unique, which is good.
Society is basically just one giant combustion engine, except that instead of functioning on fossil fuels, which are objective, it functions based on how special, diverse, unique, and different people are. So, by being a racist, sexist, homophobic male-appearing trans-woman, I make everything more diverse, and therefore, better – and if anyone tells me that I, as a trans-woman, cannot be racist, sexist and homophobic, they are literally discriminating against me, and I can sue them.
Of course, I’m discriminating against them, too – as a moral objectivist, I basically discriminate against everyone – but as a male-appearing, male-pronoun using gender-identity-fluid trans-woman, I am more diverse and more special than they are. I am above them on the specialness pyramid, and so my feelings are more important – so I can sue them, and damage them with a media circus regardless of outcome.
And so can you. And you should, too.
You see, when I choose to park in a parking spot reserved for pregnant woman, this is because in that particular moment, I choose to identify as a pregnant trans-woman.
This does create some technical problems, because I have a big pair of testicles, instead of a uterus. To overcome this issue, I choose to identify my bowel movements as my pregnancies, and every time I defecate, I identify that as having an abortion – which makes me even more special.
#2: Female Contact Sports
When I was a wee little boy – this was before I learned I could become a woman by saying I am a woman – I was not yet really sexually interested in girls, and I mostly found them to be incredibly annoying, and to have no sense of my space or their own role in life, and they would annoy me incessantly while I was trying to do real boy things, which made me want to smack them in the face.
However, upon smacking them, I was quickly informed that I, as a boy, was not allowed to hit girls, because I was a boy, and they were girls.
Since becoming a man, I became sexually interested in women, but most of the interactions I’ve had with them have not involved them having sex with me or serving me food. I’ve mostly just been forced to deal with them in family, education or workplace settings, in which they have continued to be incredibly annoying and demonstrate no sense of my space or their own role in life, which has caused me to continue to want to smack them in the face.
Due to discriminatory law enforcement practices, I am not allowed to smack them in the face.
However, now that I have discovered my trans-woman-hood, I can now participate in female contact sports, simply by stating that I am a woman – and if they discriminate against me, I can sue.
Hockey, rugby, or American football – pretty much anything that allows me to body slam a real woman – are all excellent uses of my trans-woman-hood, but the best possible use of my newfound privilege is in MMA cagefights, which allow me to repeatedly punch them in the face, mount them, and continue to punch them in the face.
Real women shouldn’t be playing these sports anyway, so as far as I can tell, repeatedly punching them in these contexts is actually a service to them, as it helps them to learn what is not their own place in the world.
This is for her own good.
My trans-woman privilege protects me.
#1: Using Women’s Bathrooms
Women’s bathrooms are basically superior to men’s bathrooms in almost every single way.
They have more space, they’re kept cleaner, and they never, ever run out of toilet paper.
There are also women in them, and no other men, so every time I use the ladies’ restroom, I can imagine that they are my own, private harem of pregnant QT animé waifus.
Real women shouldn’t even be in public anyway, so as far as I’m concerned, I have more right to be in public women’s restrooms than they do.
As a trans-woman, I can also compliment them on their looks and ask for their phone numbers, which is perfectly acceptable and not at all harassment. Women do that all the time, amongst themselves.
There are also tampon machines. I can’t really figure out an organic use for them, but it’s fun to whirl them around by the strings and see how far I can throw them, or plug the sinks with them.
But the best part by far about using the women’s restroom, is actually using it. For the purposes of doing #2, I guess I have to close myself in a stall like everyone else, but I can at least moan in pain and cry and despair for long, uncomfortable minutes during that process, since I identify that as an abortion.
However, for the purposes of urination, most women’s bathrooms are still not equipped with urinals. This is obviously an act of discrimination against biologically male trans-women, and it’s pretty offensive to me, personally, that I still have to deal with those sorts of hateful, bigoted bathroom designs in the current year.
Until these trans-woman-phobic issues in bathroom design are remedied, however, I have no choice but to recognize the hand-washing sinks as interim urinals, or trans-urinals, and pee in them in front of everyone.
The most comfortable way to do this is to pull my pants down to my ankles, of course. What self-respecting trans-woman wants to feel his pants pressing against his testicles as he pees?
Of course, this does expose my bathroom-harem to my perfectly sculpted buttocks as I urinate into their sinks, which has caused some degree of commotion in the past.
When this happens, however, this is an act of body-shaming, in which they are actually raping me by imposing their own cisgendered assumptions about what the body of a trans-woman does and does not look like.
Additionally, they are raping and oppressing the trans-urinals themselves, by imposing on them their own internalized cis-engineering concepts of what is and is not a urinal.
In order to further de-patriarchialize my bathroom-harem’s bigoted, hetero-normative assumptions of what is and is not an acceptable way for a trans-woman to urinate, I’ve also been practicing some more advanced maneuvers to further genderqueer their misophalistic assumptions about women and peeing.
I haven’t really gotten this technique under control, but if I make a mess, I just identify that as my menstruation, and it’s literally menstrua-phobic for anyone to complain about it.
As you can no doubt imagine, I’ve received countless hateful, trans-woman-phobic comments, just for living as the person that I choose to identify as in any convenient moment. We cis-hetero-male-presenting trans-women have a lot of work to do, until we can finally break through that last glass ceiling, and finally earn the right to be whoever we want to be, at any given time, for any reason.
Remember, friends. We didn’t choose this world. We didn’t choose this reality.
They chose it for us. But, now that it’s here, I’m just following the new rules – and there are no rules now, which means I can be whatever I want to be at any moment, which means I can basically do whatever I want.
What I want to do, is exact my revenge on women for their complicity in the war against straight white guys, by stealing their privilege from them and using it against them.
This is the way forward, lads.
This is how we fight back.