Eskimo Fudge Pies Vows to Change Their Hateful Name

If there is one group of people that needs protection from hate, it’s the Eskimos. One of the main ways they were being oppressed was with fudge pies.


A confectionery giant plans to rename its famous Eskimo Pie chocolate-covered vanilla ice cream bar to help achieve “racial equality.” The move comes as major brands try to appease the ‘woke’ movement.

Eskimo Pie will change the brand name and its marketing, Elizabell Marquez, a representative for the brand’s parent company, Dreyer’s Grand Ice Cream (part of Nestle), told Rolling Stone magazine.

“We are committed to being a part of the solution on racial equality, and recognize the term is derogatory. This move is part of a larger review to ensure our company and brands reflect our people values.”

Activists have been arguing that the word ‘Eskimo’ is inappropriate and even racist because it was first used by colonizers to refer to native people in the Arctic region, the Inuit and the Yupik.

I think we’ll all sleep a little sounder tonight, knowing that the Eskimos are no longer thrashing restlessly in their beds, thinking about the hatred brought upon them by these fudge pies.

Truly, no one can stop this revolution, which is dealing with the most important questions of our time with stoic resolve.