October 9, 2018
Newly confirmed Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh’s first day on the court fulfilled the worst fears of the women who opposed him in the period leading up to his confirmation. It was obvious as soon as he strolled into the Supreme Court building Tuesday morning in his brand new robe, blasting UB40’s “Red Red Wine” from his iPhone, that he was blackout drunk at 7:30 AM.
Before sitting down, he fist bumped Clarence Thomas, saying “my nigga.” Thomas, who like Kavanaugh overcame sexual assault allegations to make it to the SCOTUS bench, responded with the “wink and finger gun” gesture.
Kavanaugh sat his phone on the bench, and the UB40 song, on repeat, played throughout the session.
When Justice Kagan asked if he could “please turn off the music,” Kavanaugh screamed at her: “how about I turn off your music, you fat old yenta cunt!”
Kagan did not speak throughout the rest of the session.
Although there were other cases on the docket, Kavanaugh was only interested in discussing one: Joe v. Diamondstein, the landmark case that is expected result in the legalization of rape in all 50 states.
“Look,” Kavanaugh said with heavily slurred speech, “I don’t give a fuck what your gay faggot doublenigger list says: I wanna get this rape thing done, and I want it now.”
“For the future of this country, we have to get these stupid whores in line, and the one goddamn thing that can do it is the physical force of millions of hard cocks coming down on them from the uncastrated white men still left in this country. This is a fucking shitshow. We have seen these whores outside the door of this very building, screaming like vicious motherfucking giant bats, making that sandnigger riot we all saw at the McGregor fight over the weekend look like fun time at the kidde pool,” Kavanaugh said.
With “Red Red Wine” as blaring theme music, he continued to drunkenly rant for 2 hours about the need to legalize rape immediately, stressing a desire to punish all who oppose him, while often referencing Saturday night’s Conor McGregor vs Khabib Nurmagomedov fight in Las Vegas.
“Conor McGregor is a disgrace to the white race, he just let that Paki son of a nigger beat the living fuck out of him, couldn’t even keep his own in the fucking stand up. I mean, I just, wow – it was fucking disgusting, Okay? This guy knows what I’m talking about,” Kavanaugh said, tilting his head and lifting his brow at Justice Thomas.
“Das rite,” Thomas replied. “He a bitchass muffugguh.”
“See, right there. A bitch ass mother fucker. Clarence gets it. Clarence, you’re my boy, hit em up,” Kavanaugh said, and reached over to fist bump Thomas, nearly falling off the bench in the process.
“Now, what in the living fuck…” he paused looking around, “the fuck were we just talking about?”
“You sed how dem bitches gots to be put in dey place wif da dick,” Thomas reminded him.
“Yeah, right. McGregor is finished. His fighting days are done – but give him his Constitutional rights to rape women on the street, and he could become a machine for transforming this country back into what the Founders intended: a white male patriarchy,” Kavanaugh said of his fellow drunken, violent Irishman.
Chief Justice John Roberts did not interfere with Kavanaugh’s drunken ranting, appearing to surrender full control over leadership of the court to its most junior member.
He smiled and giggled throughout the rant, appearing to thoroughly enjoy Kavanaugh’s words, or perhaps simply being overpowered by his fratboy charisma.
At one point during his rant, when Justice Kavanaugh took a break to pant, wipe sweat from his face, and down what was left of what appeared to be a gin and tonic, Justice Ginsburg, who was wearing an African tribal necklace over her robe, began to interject an opposing opinion, saying “the laws against rape exist for a reason, and if we allow the law –”
At that point, Kavanaugh threw the ice from his drink in her face, slammed his gavel on the table, and screamed: “I AM THE LAW!”
This was followed by other conservative Justices Roberts, Gorsuch and Alito, all consecutively slamming their gavels and screaming “I AM THE LAW!”
All eyes then turned to Justice Thomas, who after a long, squinting pause, sucked air in through his teeth, smacked his lips and said to the wet Ginsburg, “if a bitch gon make a noise again, dat hawk-face bitch might just get summin more dan ice smacken upside she hawk face,” he pointed his gavel at her menacingly and spit on her, before finally raising the gavel in the air and screaming his own “I AM THE LAW!” He slammed the gavel so hard that it smashed a hole in the bench.
The four liberal judges of the court looked on in terror at this spectacle, realizing that from this point forward, none of their opinions would even matter. A consensus has been reached by the conservative majority.
Shortly thereafter, Kavanaugh held up a finger and began gagging, saying “hold… hold on a second…” before leaning over and vomiting on the floor in front of him.
“Bloody fuck, sorry about that,” he said, quickly amending the statement, adding, “I’m sorry to you, Clarence. And John. Neil.”
He dry-heaved for a few seconds and then pointed at Justice Alito and said “I’m not sure if I’m sorry to you, because I’m not even sure I know who you are,” before turning to the Jewish members of the court and saying “I’m not sorry to you greasy fucking rats – you deserve this. You should have thought of this before you murdered our Lord and Savior and fucked us all in the ass with your goddamn filthy swindles.”
“Now get one of those sluts from the back to come clean this up – right fucking now, Kagan, you cunt,” he said, pointing his gavel at Kagan, who began to get up to call someone to clean-up the vomit as Kavanaugh added, “Get the one with the mega-knockers, I wanna see how that bitch can work a mop.”
During the mopping process, Kavanaugh made continual lewd comments to the bosomy intern and touched her hair. After she’d left, he leaned over to Justice Thomas and said, “see, this is why we need to get this fucking rape case settled – when this shit goes legal, I’m gonna do that little slut like Khabib did Conor.”
The two again fist-bumped.
Shortly thereafter, Kavanaugh passed out and began snoring loudly, at which point Justice Roberts dismissed the court.
It is clear from day one that Kavanaugh is going to be a powerful force in directing the court in a manner that oppresses women, sexual minorities and people of color. Furthermore, it is clear that his appointment has emboldened the other conservative members of the court to act out their true nature.
Kavanaugh has vowed to not only ensure the legalization of rape, but also to ban abortion, legalize child marriage, legalize domestic violence, end all forms of welfare entitlement, end affirmative action, enact the death penalty for homosexuality and reinstate slavery. With a complacent conservative majority, his ability to do all of this is limited only by his ability to keep from passing out drunk during session.
This is Brett Kavanaugh’s America now.