Coronavirus: America Registers 69 Gajillion Cases in One Day

With over 200 quadro-zillion gigabillion mega-octo-quadrozon having died from the deadly coronavirus, we passed a monumental milestone this week.

The third wave? It’s already begun.

If these goyim would simply follow the rules and wear motorcycle helmets in the shower, wear buttplugs to protect from fart-borne coronavirus, and stand sixty feet apart while never making eye-contact, we might have been saved.

But the goyim are too rebellious to follow such simple and basic protections.


The United States reported more than 69,000 new coronavirus cases on Friday, the highest daily count the nation has reported since late July.

The U.S. has now reported more than 8 million Covid-19 cases and at least 218,600 deaths since the beginning of the pandemic, according to data compiled by Johns Hopkins University.

The surge in coronavirus cases comes as infectious disease experts warn the U.S. could face a “substantial third wave” of infections that will be further complicated this winter by the spread of seasonal influenza, which causes many similar symptoms to that of the coronavirus.

As colder temperatures arrive in the Northern Hemisphere, more people will spend time indoors and likely fail to follow public health guidance, which creates a greater risk for the cornoavirus’ spread compared with outdoor activities, Dr. William Schaffner, an epidemiologist at Vanderbilt University, said.

The U.S. is averaging roughly 55,000 new coronavirus cases every day, based on a weekly average to smooth out the reporting, a more than 16% increase compared with a week ago, according to a CNBC analysis of Johns Hopkins data. New cases were growing by 5% or more in 38 states as the number of infections in the Midwest continues to surge.

Virtually the entire population of the United States has already died of the virus. Experts estimate that as few as 700 people remain alive. Yet, these few hundred survivors insist on getting up in each other’s faces and breathing their air, and refusing to wear buttplugs, because Donald Trump said it’s not a big deal.

As you look out the window of your home, and see the bodies stacked as high as skyscrapers, remember this: it’s all Donald Trump’s fault. If he would have went on TV and whipped people into a panicked frenzy back in January, no one ever would have ever died.

Joe Biden cares about America. He wants to save lives. That’s why on day one, he will pass the “Over the mouth and up the ass” law recommended by the unimpeachable genius Anthony Fauci.

Farts are one of the main ways that the virus is infecting now, experts say.

“People need to be careful removing their buttplugs,” Fauci said, speaking to CNN’s Poppy Harlow about the scientific fact that coronavirus is now fart-borne. “You might not feel like you are going to fart, but you need to understand that if you do fart, everyone who smells it is going to die. When I was a kid we used to have a saying, ‘he who smelt it dealt it.'”

“I remember that saying,” Harlow confirmed.

“Well, now it’s he who dealt it is a killer, and he who smelt it is a goner.”

“I think what a lot of people don’t understand is that buttplugs are not a political statement,” Harlow said. “This is about saving lives.”

“Yes,” Fauci replied, with gravity and intelligence. “You can take the buttplug out to poop, but I have to say, don’t poop more than you need to, because the smell of your poop could stink up the bathroom, and the virus is carried in that gas.”

“Doctor, how often should people poop?” Harlow asked.

“Not any more than they have to. You just really need to keep that buttplug in there. You don’t need to poop every day. I don’t make a big thing of it. I don’t need to poop every day, but if I feel like I need to take a poop, I go into the bathroom, take out my buttplug, and squeeze out the donker as quick as possible, and get that buttplug right back up in. Don’t worry about wiping. Wiping is nice, it’s part of our culture, but we just can’t afford to do it anymore. The stakes are too high. If you’re worried that if you don’t wipe, you’re going to have crusty poop all over your underwear, then don’t worry too much, because everyone is wearing a sealed motorcycle helmet and won’t be able to smell it.”

“What else do we need to know, doctor?”

“The other big thing, Poppy, is that people need to make sure that their buttplug doesn’t slip out while they’re sleeping. If the buttplug slips out at night, and you fart in bed, your wife gets a whiff and she wakes up dead. The best way to prevent slippage is to get a real deep one. Lives are on the line here, so you really need to ram that thing up there. We’ve got a new study that shows that farts can travel through walls, so it’s possible that if you live in an apartment, you could end up killing your neighbors by farting.”