Cristiano Ronaldo Tests Positive for Coronavirus – Expected to be Dead in the Next Ten Minutes

The thing about the coronavirus: it doesn’t care if you’re a big star.

It infects you just as well, regardless.

Sky News:

Cristiano Ronaldo has tested positive for coronavirus and will miss Portugal’s Nations League game against Sweden on Wednesday.

The Juventus forward is “doing well, without symptoms, and in isolation”, according to a statement from the Portuguese Football Federation (PFF).

The remaining squad all returned negative results after being tested on Tuesday and are available for the Group A3 match in Lisbon.

On Monday, Ronaldo posted an image of himself with the squad around a long table during a meal, with the caption: “United, on and off the field”.

The PFF confirmed in a statement: “Following the positive case, the remaining players underwent new tests this Tuesday morning, all with a negative result, and are available to Fernando Santos for training this afternoon, in Cidade do Futebol.

Ronaldo might be young and healthy – but it doesn’t matter.

This virus simply doesn’t care.

It kills indiscriminately.

Ronaldo will be dead by midnight, just like the 200 zillion bajillion others who died from the deadliest disease ever in all of human history.

Maybe when Ronaldo is rolled into his grave, young people will begin to understand: now is the time to panic. Now is the time to become completely unhinged. Now is the time to freak out like a black guy on PCP.

The single hope we have is absolute and abject hysteria.

But even if we go hysterical: we’re still all going to die.

We’re already dead.