November 28, 2017
That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.
It isn’t easy being a small-souled bugman. How are you supposed to maintain fashionable, politically correct opinions when the world around you is a decaying hellscape of diversity and urban decay? How are you supposed to maintain the illusion that you’re a cool, popular guy when the real men around you think you’re a dweeb and the women think of you as their girlfriend?
The solution, of course, is to ignore reality and keep your face glued to your smartphone 24/7. Then you won’t have to suffer through the cognitive dissonance between what the media tells you to think, and your lying eyes. And the constant shots of validation from getting upvotes on your “Drumpf” memes on twitter will keep you feeling good about yourself in spite of your real status as a low-t faggot.
Is it any surprise we’re seeing all these people suffer from “smartphone addiction?”
Cigarettes are hard to kick not just because of the nicotine, but the fact that they give you something to do with your hands. The “Substitute Phone” from Vienna-based designer Klemens Schillinger works on the same principal, if you think of content as the drug and your phone’s touchscreen as the tactile addiction. The five models look and feel like a phone, but instead of a screen, there are stone beads embedded in slots at various angles. You can just grab it and swipe, pinch and scroll, satisfying that physical need without the nicotine/content.
10/10, would keep all five in my pockets.
“More and more often one feels the urge to check their phone, even if you are not expecting a specific message or call,” Schillinger told Dezeen. “These observations inspired the idea of making a tool that would help stop this ‘checking’ behaviour.”
The handsome “devices” are made from black polyoxymethylene (acetal) plastic that simulates the heft of a phone, while the beads are natural Howlith stone. Assuming you’re willing to carry some or all five on you, they can simulate scrolling, zooming and swiping. That, Schillinger notes, calms users and helps them cope with the withdrawal symptoms. “There are no digital functions,” he adds.
No one is addicted to “swiping,” you dimwits. Smartphone addiction is caused by the dopamine hits people get from getting notifications on social media apps and games. These apps use the reward reinforcement and social validation pathways of the mind in order to get people hooked.
This is not rocket science.
It’s not like the apps are any less addictive when used on the desktop pc or when displayed on the television. It’s just that people carry their phones around with them, so that’s the platform that gives them constant access to the true source of their addiction, the applications themselves.
This isn’t even the only stupid gadget marketed towards curing “smartphone addiction.”
Less functionality than any phone from 1998, and for only $150? Oh, boy, where can I get one?
If you really want to help people with their smartphone addictions, make sure to downvote all their posts and leave nasty, hurtful comments. That way, they’ll learn to associate phone notifications with negative feelings, and thus stop using them. It turns out trolling is actually a very humanitarian pursuit, helping people get over their addiction problems. Who would have thought.