January 9, 2020
Give diamonds to a logger. You might have heard that “diamonds are a girl’s best friend,” but what you might not know is that loggers are also fond of diamonds.
If you are thinking of ways to show your appreciation to the logging industry, consider giving a logger a bag of diamonds.
Get a facial tattoo that says “I love loggers” or “Thank you, logger.” If a logger is not wearing his red and black plaid lumberjack shirt or other logging apparel, and isn’t disfigured from his time in the logging industry, you probably will not notice him out in public. So, an easy thing you can do is get a tattoo on your face that reads “I love loggers” or “Thank you, logger.”
This will ensure that every logger you interact with knows that you appreciate their logs.
Offer a logger a night with your wife. Like everyone, loggers get horny, and want to have sex. So an easy thing you can do for a logger that won’t cost you a dime is send your wife to have sex with him. Make sure to instruct her to go along with all of his fetishes, whatever they may be.
Murder someone for a logger. Loggers, like everyone, have enemies. They may have someone they want “knocked off.” After all that loggers have done for this country, committing a murder for one is the least you can do. Visit a logger and simply ask “is there anyone you want knocked off?” If the logger gives you a name, carry out the hit.
Try not to get caught, but if you do, make sure to remember to not name the logger who requested the murder during your trial. Just tell the judge it was a random killing or that you mistook the mark for someone else.
Self-immolate yourself in the name of the logging industry. Since time immemorial, people who believed in a cause have lit themselves on fire in an act of ritualistic suicide that shows their devotion to that cause. If you truly believe in the cause of logging, one of the best things you can do to show your honor of the sacred sacrifice of loggers is to set yourself aflame in the name of loggers.
You should do this in a public place, where many people will see you. After you douse yourself with gasoline but before you light up, you should scream something like “I respect loggers!” or “this is for the loggers!” or “thank you for your sacrifice, loggers!” This ritual suicide will be reported on television and people who see the news of your demise will remember and honor the sacrifice of our nation’s loggers.